As I sit here, I'm playing Lil Wayne's "How to Love" on repeat and it speaks to me on so many levels.
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You can't have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It's seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you're sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder...
See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love...
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I never said the "L" word to the last one. Partially because I'm under the belief the man should say it first and also because I've been burned twice (the first was real love and the second was just foolish lust). Two times was enough for me to realize that LOVE probably isn't worth hoping for anymore...
So what is love?
I'm not sure anymore.
I thought I knew what it was. I thought love was simple. You love the person. He loves you. All the other stuff can be moved around, be adjusted and re-arranged if it's real love. You can call it work, effort, whatever - bottom line: you want to be together, so you both make it happen. End of story.
I don't know anymore.
I've seen so many people in and around my life whose actions are the antithesis of "love." Mostly, this is in the form of infidelity that usually starts off as sex and progresses to emotional levels of betrayal. It's made me question not only the purpose of marriage, but whether if there is really anyone out there in MY peer group that will treat it seriously - and not just like another contract that you can opt out of due to "irreconcilable differences." But I'm guessing marriage and love are different. I just don't understand why they should be? In my mind, love comes with the territory. If a guy can't see that, then he's not for me. I guess this is where I go wrong.
But back to the "L" word. Being stationed overseas for over 3 years...you see the ugly side of human nature. The side where people are willing to risk it all for a no-strings-attached/fling/f-buddy type of scenario. In my humble opinion, it reads to me as: lack of self-control and love. Love is sacrifice. Self-control is sacrifice. So....Love = self-control. Right? Any mathematicians out there?
It makes me sad that someone can say they love a person and not act like it.
Don't worry. Before I came to this conclusion, I was under the assumption that love is like a roaring flame and blah blah blah. But I was wrong. Love is like trying to keep a fire going in a cold, damp forest and you're all out of matches. It's a lot of work, but you know the fire is worth it and that's why you do your best to keep it going. OH and I forgot. You're not alone. You got someone to help you with this and you both are invested in this...
Yea. I just equated love to a sad, camp fire and I barely know how to start one myself!!
Then again. Life is complicated and I can't stand those people who claim to be "simple." No. You are lazy and boring! Life is about making decisions, taking opportunities, accepting the consequences and just doing something about it. When others get involved (i.e. the people you care about), it further complicates things. Unless you live alone under a rock on a remote island, shush. You can be lazy and boring though...you keep that...or do something about it.
Maybe because life is complicated...love just adds to the chaos.
I don't know!
I've dabbled in a bit of everything here tonight, haven't I?
Please don't assume that I believe that people who are unfaithful are bad. They probably aren't. Which further complicates things. But I will say this: as someone who's been cheated on, it's possibly one of the cruelest ways you can hurt someone. But I'm slowly finding out that the silent treatment (even in a faithful relationship) can be equally as cruel.
If you knew you were going to hurt someone you at least CARED about (doesn't have to be love), wouldn't you want to soften the blow?
In every failed relationship of mine, the guy has always done it over the phone or text.
I'm starting to think this is truly the norm, love is just a pretty word and we're all trying to convince ourselves that we conduct ourselves with more dignity and tact than we really deserve.
