BEAR

I miss Bear.

I'll miss:

• LAP puppy
• Knowing I was the weak one and the guy with ALL the good treats
• How you would snuggle on top of me when I would fall asleep on the couch 
• Those ears!
• All the woofin'
• Trips to the dog park
• Walks
• Slobbery kisses😅
• How you would annoy me when I would pack for TDYs on the IG...not wanting me to go.
• Getting photos and stories about how you would always be looking for me after I had left...even if it was just to work
• No matter how long I've been gone, you still remembered me❤️

This is getting hard.

Good news everyone

The surgery was a success!

The hospital has a ridiculously arbitrary rule on visitation where only 2 visitors aren’t just allowed in the room, but in the hospital period…

…but I’m going to drive him home tonight.

Absolute bullshit

Yesterday, my father was air medevac’d to UNC hospital in NC from Ft Bragg.

The Army doc was so nice. He even printed out mapquest style instructions to the hospital (90min drive). He told us the Cardiologist moved one of his patients to fit my dad in due to his condition.

The Army flight attendants were so nice. They joked with my dad while they were prepping the helicopter. Before they hauled him away, one of them ripped off their patch and put it in my hand saying, “we will take good care of him.” 

Yesterday, my dad had taken my mom in for an appointment, but went over to the ER because he had trouble breathing.

Covid test came back negative.

But he was developing the initial stages of pneumonia.

….and something on an EKG that the doc called a 3rd degree heart block, which is apparently a complete heart block. He had a heart rate sitting around 34 BPM.

So many thoughts…

I feel like shit.

I don’t feel like I ever relayed how grateful I am for the sacrifices he made for our family. 

The opportunities it gave me and my sister. 

How much I love him.

Please…

Please, allow me to show you something

Listen: Remember Me - Umi

Lyrics will be in lilac. Here are some that stuck out and inspired me to relieve some pressure to get a moment of peace. It's a bit all over the place, but let's think that the extra effort burns calories. You're welcome.

Wrote you a letter
Now that I'm here without you
Hope that you're better
Hope that you found someone new

I am struggling at letting go of everything.

Every PCS gets tougher. This one is especially difficult because I absolutely 💙loved💛 working with some incredible people who will probably never realize the depth of impact they've had on me not only as a professional, but as a human being. They've shown me a glimpse of what I can be and even though I'm not completely convinced that I'm a person worth saving, they made me believe it's worth the attempt. I don't think I'll ever be as close to a group of people like I was in Turkey. 

Let's hope these friendships don't fade into nothing.

I have an addictive personality, and in spite all of my life "experience," I seem to struggle with closing chapters of my life. While clearing out my phone (5K+ photos) and gmail (5K+ unread emails), I'm stumbling and stopping to inspect old photos and emails between Daan and I. I know...but I cannot resist. It's not going to be good, but I don't care. No one is here to stop me and perhaps it's necessary to revisit these memories knowing the not-so-great ending. 

Question: Do dudes dig scars like chicks do?

When you're comfortable with someone you love, you forget things that you both did in the beginning to care for each other. It's unintentional, but we often take the ones we love for granted because we get too comfortable. When that comfort sets in, everything becomes an inconvenience and irritating. Things with this person become less fun. What used to be a chase that was exciting has turned into a challenge to endure. At some point, everyone reaches their limits, and in the case of my marriage, I had checked out and was going through the motions of the path of least resistance. It took an unaccompanied assignment to Turkey for me to get the perspective and clarity to realize how much I hated my life and who I had become. It was getting really dark, real fast and I did not want to continue living like this. My resolve to go forward meant that my life had to change drastically. However, I don't regret any of it, as I don't know if my life would have turned out this way without my marriage.

'Cause I'm getting older
Know that I've changed
And I can't go back now
Nothing's the same
But I won't forget how
You called my name
When I was afraid
And now I'm afraid

I'm afraid, especially now. I have moments where I wonder if I made a mistake. I have moments where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I have moments where I wonder if I'm going to die alone and unloved because of these choices. I can't stand these fucking moments.

However, just because I'm afraid of the future doesn't mean I'm going to do nothing about it. It's not my style. New fact about me: this city mouse wants to venture outside all the time.

I sign the lease to my apartment next week. It's an amazing space in the heart of downtown Montgomery. I should be more excited because of the possibilities, but I do have moments where I just want to fast forward one year from now.

Will you remember me?
Will you remember the way that I was?
Will you remember me?
Will you remember the way that you felt when you're next to me?

Last summer
We made plans like we would always be
We said by now that we'd have everything and more
I never thought that we'd be dreaming on our own

I miss the way that we were. I'm very sorry I didn't take steps back early enough into the relationship to realize that I was not comfortable with how fast things were moving. My default to please others completely overrode my instincts that were sounding alarms to slow down. It was consuming me in a way where I started to disappear, and what remained was someone who I felt had no voice and was full of guilt for never feeling good enough.

Most days right now it's dark, cold and lonely, but I know that this can't last. At some point, I'll find my way to happy because I'm strong enough to weather this journey and I got the scars to prove it.

I own my decisions.

I don't regret anything. 

Despite how naturally guarded I am, I surrendered myself to you...let you in, revealing flaws and all...loved you completely, honestly, unapologetically. For the first time in my life (and hopefully not the last), I loved without fear.

Listen: Remember Me - Umi

Falling in love with pineapples

Apparently there is a scientific way to bring two people togehter to develop closeness, and perhaps fall in love.

During the 90s, a group of psychologists crafted 36 questions to do such a task.

I will put the questions at the bottom accompanied by some instructions if you’re interested. You should be able to ask these questions with anyone you want to develop a closer bond with, not just your SO.

I never had the chance to answer any of these with anyone. Funny thing, I once bought a book after we had gotten married for Daan and I (1000+ questions to ask before you get married; yes, I sense the irony). He hated it. We never really got through the book, and it mysteriously disappeared during our move from Scott AFB to Aviano AB. 

I’m not great at small chit chat in general, especially in a group setting. A problem if you’re a commander of the 2nd largest group of Airmen on base. During command, I bought these cards called “table topics” that I thought would help me facilitate conversations that didn’t automatically turned into work talk. Ahhh good ol’ reliable: let’s chat about work. Fuck man. Come on. I’m more than just a dude wearing a uniform! I’m a little sassy and a bit smart assy.

Any who.

I spent my last night in Italy solo in a hotel less than a kilometer from the Venice Airport. I didn’t have time to process anything from the last two weeks because I was under the pressure of an early wake up to repack my bags and catch the shuttle to the airport by 0500AM the next day. 

I flew out of Italy on 11 June. 

I flew into ATL on 11 June.

Upon arrival, I decided I was staying in downtown Atlanta for the weekend. The rest of the plan would have to wait until I arrived in Georgia to be developed. 

During my weekend here, I didn't really escape into the city nor partake in the featured attractions. I was literally a block from the Georgia Aquarium, Olympic Park, and the World of Coca Cola. Yet, I found myself oddly drawn to anything that kept me outside in the Hotlanta humidity. 

On Saturday, my day started in the Botanical Gardens where I stumbled upon a wedding party in the Rose Garden. The bride was beautiful...she glowed. Whoever they are, I wish them a happy and long life togehter. I hope they have found their forever person...

Then I mosied over to Piedmont Park to browse through a farmer’s market and train of food trucks. It was nice to navigate the crowds and find a small spot in the park to lie down and people watch. Next, I went over to an outlet mall to buy new clothes for a new, more compact version of moi. I bought a blue/white checkered Dorothy-inspired sun dress that I thought had pineapples all over it. Why? Because I love the idea of tiny pineapples, that’s why. It wasn’t until I was back at the hotel that I realized the pineapples were little flowers. I may need to start wearing glasses. 

On Sunday, I was wide awake at 0400AM courtesy of jet lag. I laid in bed huddled next to my phone, googling things to do in Atlanta. By 0800, my ass was walking up one of the largest pieces of Granite in the world: Stone Mountain. For some reason, I was doing this in cut off jeans, a military green T-shirt with the sleeves rolled up and purple mirrored lenses. I topped this stunningly IDGAF look with a black ball cap and braids on the side of my head. I looked like I was auditioning for the real housewives of Duck Dynasty and everyone else had gotten the memo to wear yoga pants except for me. I spent the rest of the afternoon in Korea Town trying to find my appetite until I needed a nap. In all of their stores, you still were required to wear a mask regardless of vaccination (Georgia law says it’s not required anymore if you’re vaccinated). This was nice because with the mask I felt like I could freely speak Korean without being asked why I spoke it so well looking as white as I do. I guess I do look a little more Asian with the mask. Go figure!

As promised, I hope you enjoy these 36 questions.

Next up, Montgomery.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…” 

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

At the end of the questioning with your partner, you’re supposed to stare into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes.

4 minutes. Staring. Good luck. Makes me nervous just thinking about it. 

Return to the Fuckening

I hate this place.

We spent only a few days of 2018 house hunting before Daan, wrought with PCS fatigue and

thinning patience for the Italian summer heat/humidity, demanded that we just give in to the first “modern” house we stumbled upon that wasn’t pre-furnished. He was done, and I felt like I was in no position to argue. I reasoned it with “well you’ll spend the majority of time in the house” when a part of me was sounding the alarm:

“You hated your first experience in Europe because of where you lived.”

“You still have to live there too.”

“Commutes matter. Umm…Scott AFB?”

“Remember how you told yourself you would never return to Europe. Weeeeak.”

“Your voice matters.”

But as quickly as these voices spoke up, others screamed loud enough to drown out what I perceived at the time to be self-serving thoughts. 

“He hated Scott…remember his parking lot breakdown in Barnes and Noble?”

“This assignment is for him, not you. People did you favors to get you guys here! You better show up!!”

“He has sacrificed…gave up everything he knew in the Netherlands to be with you.”

“Stop being selfish. You clearly aren’t doing enough to be grateful.”

Happy wife (or in this case, husband), happy life?

In any case, I acted and felt as if my voice never mattered because I believed that if he wasn’t happy, then my input or opinion wasn’t necessary. 

Or at least that is what I constantly told myself when I started to sense a voice that could contradict his.

For 2 years, I zipped one way every day for about 30 minutes through 5 miles of the Italian Countryside to Area F (F for Fun…Flightline…Fuckening). The commute would have been less annoying if it weren’t for all of the Italians, and Americans trying to drive like an Italian constantly passing you dangerously on these small and windy backroads meant for Fiat 500s, not Ford F-150s. For what seems to be a culture where nothing gets done quickly or with a sense of urgency, I never quite understood their need to be in a hurry on the road. Maybe the rush was to an inane requirement to get to do nothing quicker? If so, I probably could have gotten behind it like Ron Swanson who once said he would “work all night, if it meant nothing got done.” Perhaps I would have been less salty about this very irritating commute. Ahhhllorha.

On May 28, I arrived in Italy to help Daan sort through the litany of things we had acquired here to prepare for 2 household good shipments. One with a destination to Alabama. The other to the Netherlands.

From the moment I saw him exiting the terminal, I felt guarded and tense. Why? He was picking me up and taking me back to the place I hated most about my time in Italy…our house. Also, HE was picking me up. I didn’t know if I was in friendly company or would be held hostage to the situation that I created by initiating the divorce.

Pre-Incirlik Lisa would have mapped out a plan of action to include prepared thoughts and behaviors. I would have over-analyzed every step into a future I couldn’t possibly predict to help me cope with the fact that I had little to no control over what would happen. Also, loggies are planners, right? Ugh.

However, as I approached him stepping outside the terminal, I saw big tears pooling in his baby blue eyes and my body instinctively opened my arms for a full embrace. 

Good thing, this is the new Lisa. Didn’t have much of plan except to wing everything. So far, so good, right?

Side note: It’s not that I’m not a hugger. In fact, I have been starved for physical touch, but grew up in a culture (Korean) where you repressed those needs. Touch was behind closed doors, and done in the most private of settings. Anything in public was considered scandalous and subject to scrutiny; and in a society where you were constantly reminded that you represented something bigger than yourself as an individual, it felt like a big deal. It took me months to warm up to the idea of hand holding on campus in AMERICA with my first boyfriend (late bloomer…23). 

Let’s head back to Italy. Specifically, Campagna, which was this little hovel that was more farmland than town. If isolation was the objective, then we had found the perfect setting. At times it seemed peaceful, but that novelty wore off quickly as my duties in my Ops O job consumed me, but fueled my passion for the AF/job in this vicious cycle of take/take/take because the mission was a unrelenting and intoxicating bitch. It was at the end of some longer and less merciful days where it was really apparent to me that I didn’t feel like I had any place to call my own/escape. I realized I had traded one place that was sucking the life force out of me with the same environment at home. No space for me to recharge/regroup. You see, when you walked into the house, you would be greeted by a shrine of 1:72 scale diecast aircraft, action figurines and other interests of Daan. My belongings only occupied a few spaces in the 2nd floor and basement, but this entire house never felt like OUR home. During this time, being Lisa meant that I would always be supporting cast, even in my own life (#nevergoodenough). Soooo much to unpack and I would love to dig in/share, but again, nap is calling and we’re getting distracted.

Moving on and back to the part where I was leaving the airport.

No matter what, I felt committed to the separation and had one main mission here: divide our lives (I.e. stuff) into two separate moves. Yet, I still missed the comfort of his embrace and as soon as we touched, I think time literally slowed enough to help me savor it because I remember everything about that moment (touch, smell, look, etc). There’s something very comforting about feeling very small in someone else’s arms…it can feel protective..it can feel safe.

After what seemed like the longest hug ever (see how we got here?) we proceeded to head “home.”

Cue a long and awkward pause because according to my phone, I basically did just that for an entire week until the movers came to the house. I settled into

the lethargy like one would do with a broken in pair of soft sweatpants: permanently affixed to the couch and with extreme prejudice to anything requiring me to get out of said sweatpants. The week with Daan wasn’t without its challenges and lessons, but let’s keep this moving because I seriously want to take a nap: 

Lisa- 1 crate

Daan- 4 crates+ a moving van

My time at Incirlik and in command have revealed that I enjoy chaos/spontaneity way more than I’d like to honestly admit. Also, more importantly, I hated to waste energy/effort because time is finite. However, my commander’s badge often made me feel like I had to restrain my instincts and excitement. In some ways, I behaved and made decisions because of the underlying expectations about the commander position (not Lisa). I now realize that those expectations can shove it and towards the end, I still could be true to myself/own it and still be an effective commander. But reflecting back on my first 90 days in command does reveal some cringe inducing tingles to my spine (a tale for another time). *shudders*

At the advice of a friend/fellow peer, I had made one promise to myself: don’t have sex with him. It seemed to be a logical and easy

 (ha ha HA) rule to follow. In fact, Daan agreed to prepare the spare room into a makeshift bedroom where I could sleep on the futon. 

Annnnd then we had sex.

Just kidding.

The slide further back into abstinence that was originally due to isolation on a remote assignment and now, the end of a 6 year marriage has likely shriveled up what possibly remains of my libido. 

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly say I’ve been missing it.”

• Peter Gibbons

Oy vey.

Fuck me.

But seriously…nah.

I’m all over the place. Time for a nap. 

Sudden onset NGAFs

Time slows down. You have arrived in limbo. 

You know this familiar feeling. The wave is coming. You try to move, but you can’t. You are paralyzed as you sense the wave getting closer and closer. 

Any attempts to respond, brace for it, brave it, are futile. All you can do is be a captive participant to what is approaching with no idea of the future.

Hurricane Lisa. Meet Tsunami.

Well...

How do you fucking do.

Let\"s go on an adventure.

But first, let me grab my helmet. It\"s not for protection per se, but if I\"m going to dive into something scary and very much in the gray, then I might as well look fucking cool doing it.

Stay tuned.