Listen: Remember Me - Umi
Lyrics will be in lilac. Here are some that stuck out and inspired me to relieve some pressure to get a moment of peace. It's a bit all over the place, but let's think that the extra effort burns calories. You're welcome.
Wrote you a letter
Now that I'm here without you
Hope that you're better
Hope that you found someone new
I am struggling at letting go of everything.
Every PCS gets tougher. This one is especially difficult because I absolutely 💙loved💛 working with some incredible people who will probably never realize the depth of impact they've had on me not only as a professional, but as a human being. They've shown me a glimpse of what I can be and even though I'm not completely convinced that I'm a person worth saving, they made me believe it's worth the attempt. I don't think I'll ever be as close to a group of people like I was in Turkey.
Let's hope these friendships don't fade into nothing.
I have an addictive personality, and in spite all of my life "experience," I seem to struggle with closing chapters of my life. While clearing out my phone (5K+ photos) and gmail (5K+ unread emails), I'm stumbling and stopping to inspect old photos and emails between Daan and I. I know...but I cannot resist. It's not going to be good, but I don't care. No one is here to stop me and perhaps it's necessary to revisit these memories knowing the not-so-great ending.
Question: Do dudes dig scars like chicks do?
When you're comfortable with someone you love, you forget things that you both did in the beginning to care for each other. It's unintentional, but we often take the ones we love for granted because we get too comfortable. When that comfort sets in, everything becomes an inconvenience and irritating. Things with this person become less fun. What used to be a chase that was exciting has turned into a challenge to endure. At some point, everyone reaches their limits, and in the case of my marriage, I had checked out and was going through the motions of the path of least resistance. It took an unaccompanied assignment to Turkey for me to get the perspective and clarity to realize how much I hated my life and who I had become. It was getting really dark, real fast and I did not want to continue living like this. My resolve to go forward meant that my life had to change drastically. However, I don't regret any of it, as I don't know if my life would have turned out this way without my marriage.
'Cause I'm getting older
Know that I've changed
And I can't go back now
Nothing's the same
But I won't forget how
You called my name
When I was afraid
And now I'm afraid
I'm afraid, especially now. I have moments where I wonder if I made a mistake. I have moments where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I have moments where I wonder if I'm going to die alone and unloved because of these choices. I can't stand these fucking moments.
However, just because I'm afraid of the future doesn't mean I'm going to do nothing about it. It's not my style. New fact about me: this city mouse wants to venture outside all the time.
I sign the lease to my apartment next week. It's an amazing space in the heart of downtown Montgomery. I should be more excited because of the possibilities, but I do have moments where I just want to fast forward one year from now.
Will you remember me?
Will you remember the way that I was?
Will you remember me?
Will you remember the way that you felt when you're next to me?
Last summer
We made plans like we would always be
We said by now that we'd have everything and more
I never thought that we'd be dreaming on our own
I miss the way that we were. I'm very sorry I didn't take steps back early enough into the relationship to realize that I was not comfortable with how fast things were moving. My default to please others completely overrode my instincts that were sounding alarms to slow down. It was consuming me in a way where I started to disappear, and what remained was someone who I felt had no voice and was full of guilt for never feeling good enough.
Most days right now it's dark, cold and lonely, but I know that this can't last. At some point, I'll find my way to happy because I'm strong enough to weather this journey and I got the scars to prove it.
I own my decisions.
I don't regret anything.
Despite how naturally guarded I am, I surrendered myself to you...let you in, revealing flaws and all...loved you completely, honestly, unapologetically. For the first time in my life (and hopefully not the last), I loved without fear.
Listen: Remember Me - Umi
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