How to Love and other nice things...

As I sit here, I'm playing Lil Wayne's "How to Love" on repeat and it speaks to me on so many levels.

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You can't have a man look at you for 5 seconds
Without you being insecure
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It's seems like you came back 10 times over
Now you're sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder...

See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you in the corner tryna put it together
How to love...

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I never said the "L" word to the last one. Partially because I'm under the belief the man should say it first and also because I've been burned twice (the first was real love and the second was just foolish lust). Two times was enough for me to realize that LOVE probably isn't worth hoping for anymore... 

So what is love?

I'm not sure anymore.

I thought I knew what it was. I thought love was simple. You love the person. He loves you. All the other stuff can be moved around, be adjusted and re-arranged if it's real love. You can call it work, effort, whatever - bottom line: you want to be together, so you both make it happen. End of story.

I don't know anymore.

I've seen so many people in and around my life whose actions are the antithesis of "love." Mostly, this is in the form of infidelity that usually starts off as sex and progresses to emotional levels of betrayal. It's made me question not only the purpose of marriage, but whether if there is really anyone out there in MY peer group that will treat it seriously - and not just like another contract that you can opt out of due to "irreconcilable differences." But I'm guessing marriage and love are different. I just don't understand why they should be? In my mind, love comes with the territory. If a guy can't see that, then he's not for me. I guess this is where I go wrong.

But back to the "L" word. Being stationed overseas for over 3 years...you see the ugly side of human nature. The side where people are willing to risk it all for a no-strings-attached/fling/f-buddy type of scenario. In my humble opinion, it reads to me as: lack of self-control and love. Love is sacrifice. Self-control is sacrifice. So....Love = self-control. Right? Any mathematicians out there?

It makes me sad that someone can say they love a person and not act like it.

Don't worry. Before I came to this conclusion, I was under the assumption that love is like a roaring flame and blah blah blah. But I was wrong. Love is like trying to keep a fire going in a cold, damp forest and you're all out of matches. It's a lot of work, but you know the fire is worth it and that's why you do your best to keep it going. OH and I forgot. You're not alone. You got someone to help you with this and you both are invested in this...

Yea. I just equated love to a sad, camp fire and I barely know how to start one myself!!

Then again. Life is complicated and I can't stand those people who claim to be "simple." No. You are lazy and boring! Life is about making decisions, taking opportunities, accepting the consequences and just doing something about it. When others get involved (i.e. the people you care about), it further complicates things. Unless you live alone under a rock on a remote island, shush. You can be lazy and boring though...you keep that...or do something about it.



Maybe because life is complicated...love just adds to the chaos.

I don't know!

I've dabbled in a bit of everything here tonight, haven't I?

Please don't assume that I believe that people who are unfaithful are bad. They probably aren't. Which further complicates things. But I will say this: as someone who's been cheated on, it's possibly one of the cruelest ways you can hurt someone. But I'm slowly finding out that the silent treatment (even in a faithful relationship) can be equally as cruel.

If you knew you were going to hurt someone you at least CARED about (doesn't have to be love), wouldn't you want to soften the blow?

In every failed relationship of mine, the guy has always done it over the phone or text.

I'm starting to think this is truly the norm, love is just a pretty word and we're all trying to convince ourselves that we conduct ourselves with more dignity and tact than we really deserve.

How to ruin a perfectly good recipe

So there I was...

...sitting in my living room surrounded by mounds of clothing in a half-hearted attempt to do some "spring cleaning." I moved everything to the front room because when you live in a big apartment by yourself...you'll do just about anything to not feel like you're the only one living there. The bigger mess I create, the more "lived in" it feels.

This is why I hate cleaning when you're single.

It leaves so much space for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

In college, it was a different story. I cleaned my room (partly because I had to...I was at a military college), but space was precious commodity there - so cleaning was an incentive to create as much room for myself as I almost always shared a room in the dorms. I'm even thankful that each of my roommates were kind enough to let me sleep on the bottom bunk (I have a bad habit of rolling around and off the bed). Still, the beds were pretty high up and I've incurred the wrath of the tiling on several occasions. But at least it was a clean floor!

I admit. I got a little off-topic.

Sooooo...you want to know what I ate for dinner tonight? Probably not. But I'm going to tell you. So you can click away if you want.

2 White Cheddar Rice Cakes, a special K-bar and a single serving of "natural" applesauce.

Mmmm...not.

I was actually not hungry. But I'm trying to find a balance as I've been reduced to gorging myself at one meal (usually lunch) because I'm unmotivated to do anything but sleep when the day ends. Dinner is not appealing to me. Breakfast is not a priority.

I know better. Trust me. I have 2 degrees that should say different. But it's the motivation that's the key to this. I have the knowledge. I just don't have the motivation.

Moving on.

I had some turkey sausage that I knew was going to go bad this week if I didn't use it. I personally, have never tried turkey sausage. In my ignorance, it sounded like a healthy idea. But I don't like any sausage...I don't know why I bought it. Guilt trip induced, impulse buy?

I started to scour the internet for ideas. I tried to stick to one recipe, but I got distracted by blinking links and high-res food photography - at least the end product is still edible! Fortunately, I have yet to create a complete disaster....

It's okay. I actually really like the rice (I've realized I could care less for turkey sausage). But the rice has a nice kick.

This started out as 1 recipe...evolved into several...and ended up not even following a damn thing any of them had to say.

Fraternal Cupcakes...mmmmm...fraternal.

So easy: Devil's food cake, Diet Dr. Pepper, 2 egg whites

350 deg F...20 min later

Homemade whip cream!!

Choco Cupcake w/Whip Cream topping!

MMmmmmmm...

Round 2

Butter...cream....frosting?

Oh noes!! It looks...not good.

Just kidding!  I fixed it.  I know magic.

Choco Cupcake w/buttercream frosting!

Dinner?

Ice Cream Speed Work

Instead of eating wonderful birthday cake today at a celebration, I offered to cut the cake and watch everyone else indulge.

But I'm glad I did.  Why?

Today's workout: Mile repeats

The ice cream cake would not have been the best pre-workout snack.

This workout is not my favorite, but a necessary evil.

Perhaps one day, I too, will eat some ice cream cake.  But not now...

Details below:
http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-238-263-265-13298-0,00.html

Lazy Sunday...

Late breakfast - Low Cal Bfast sandwich (1 egg/2 slices of thinly sliced ham cooked in a muffin tin + 1 kraft fat free singles + 1 mini bagel = ~250ish calories)

I grazed throughout the day...and got a craving for hummus.  So I made my own modifying a recipe I found online!

Hummus recipe:
2 cans of garbanzo beans (save 2/3's can of liquid)
3 cloves of garlic (chopped in halves)
1/4 cup lemon juice (use freshly squeezed!---takes 2 lemons by hand)
2.5 tbsp tahini (tahini is ground up sesame seed and i found it in the int'l food section)
1 tbsp olive oil (i use extra virgin)
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp chopped parsley
1 pinch paprika

Mix everything except parsley and paprika.  Blend mixture into a food processor or blender until smooth.  Sprinkle with parsley and paprika.

It all started when I got hungry...

I had bought some chicken breast the day prior and chopped 2 breasts into bite-sized pieces with no plan of how I was going to use them.  I placed the chicken in a ziplock bag with whatever spices was in my pantry and left it in the fridge for a few hours.  I then grew hungry...very hungry and I was craving rice, but I had just ran out of Het Bahn.  Ugh!!  I hate doing dishes after cooking---which is why I don't like to cook (I need a man who is willing to do the latter--discussion for later perhaps).  Anyways, I hunched over my laptop and poured through the web to find some ideas to soothe my palate.  I was inspired by a Mexican rice recipe I found online that I have used before (with success).  I substituted the following into the recipe: olive oil, short grained rice, onion powder and vegetable broth.  I added the chicken (which I pre-cooked) into the rice recipe to simmer and reduce.  I then dressed up a can (*gasp*) of black beans with sea salt and cumin and simmered on top of the stove.  Voilà!

Then I made cupcakes for a Baby shower.  The topping was blue-colored cool whip (it's a BOY!) and the inside had a pretty neat surprise---a chocolate chip cookie dough center.  BAM!

Now these were incredibly FUN to make.  They're OREO truffles and extremely rich!  Since I was san-food processor, I had the fun task to crush up all of the oreos with whatever I deemed fit.  I put the oreos all in a large ziplock bag and crushed them with my fists...then a bottle of wine and then I used a rolling pin to smooth it all out.  I created my own double boiler with a stock pot and mixing bowl and melted Baker's Semi-sweet chocolate squares to create the chocolate covering.  Oh and I sprinkled each truffle with leftover oreo crumbs.  They're not the prettiest looking truffles, but they sure are mighty tasty!

I can't get enough of her music...

Sia - Buttons